Saturday, March 28, 2009
wow. after like more than a month, i'm finally back to blog. haha.
lots of things have happened since then. the march common tests, dinner at hyatt hotel with lynn's mother's company, kbox outing during the march holidays with my sis and my cousin, watching pink panther 2, slumdog millionaire and departures with ms woo and uncle kong, etcetra. i have had lots of opportunities to blog, but i just didn't feel like doing it. i guess i am pretty lazy when it comes to blogging. haha.
i have had been overwhelmed by many things, had given a lot of thought as to what i really want and how i should be handling certain matters. i'm not exactly sure if i have gotten answers but i guess i can only live life like how it is now. studies still seem more important than the other things.
life seems dull now and i can say that i'm quite sick of it. there has been nothing interesting recently. as the days pass, it's always just studying, studying and more studying. everyday, it's a chore to wake up, travel to school and to drag myself past the gates into the school. i know what i want in life, but it all seems so unreachable and impossible. i have to admit that i've become quite disillusionised about my life... quoting from the green school's motto, i have the passion and the purpose. however, i don't really know why but i just don't have the most important thing: drive. i know it is partly because i am so lazy, but sometimes when i think about studying, all of it suddenly seems so pointless, and i think i really don't have the talents for studying. sometimes, i feel that i really can't do it. take the march common test for example. i know i studied for it and i was pretty certain of the concepts when i went into the examination halls. however, when i stared at the questions on the paper, they just stared right back at me. had something gone wrong during the studying process? or were the papers too difficult? or was it just because i was not well-prepared for them? to tell you the truth, i think it's more of the last reason. i really don't have much confidence that i'll pass any subject this time. why must junior college life be so clustered with studying and examinations? everytime i look at other people's profiles and photos on facebook, most of them seem to be enjoying life more than i am. is it because of my school or is it just me in particular? sometimes, i have this really silly thought that maybe i shouldn't have done as well for my PSLE and O levels. maybe if i had only just scraped through them and have settled for an education in a polytechnic or ite, my life would have been better and more vibrant now. i could have a more fulfilling life that isn't just about whether i'll be able to pass the next mathematics test or whether i have studied enough and memorised everything before the next practical. there are others out there who are more conditioned and suited for such a life. maybe what i decided to do has all just been a mistake. personal test results of mine usually say that i'm suited for a job that deals with people. maybe they are right. i should have just studied management or counselling instead of applying for the As. i'm even more unsuited to become a doctor. i have neither the talents, brains nor perserverance to study medicine. there are thousands if not millions out there who really want to be a doctor. what makes me more suited then them? people in rj, hc and vj have both the brains and the passion. most importantly, they have outstanding testimonials that are plus-points to their applications. i'm not even sure i'll be able to list down 2 achievements in my testimonial at the end of the year, let alone talk about top 3 achievements. it's not that i'm like the unambitious ones who have not tried for anything or fought for a chance to stand out. i did! i applied for quite a number. and when i thought i finally had a chance with outward bound, it slippped through my fingers again just like that. are results really that important? are results so important that you deny a student a hard-to-come-by chance of going overseas to gain new experiences just because of his/her results? it really isn't fair... i know studies are important and the As are even more important. but i really have no motivation for any of it. i need something or someone to spark off that in me. i need someone to be there and to tell me: hey, it's not too late yet and your doom isn't here yet either. i need someone to push me and to motivate me. someone to let me know that: hey, it wasn't that difficult and it was really all worth it. that's why sometimes i'm really envious of those people who have that specical someone of their own. it's not that i'm desperate. but it's just that sometimes i get lonely too. but how come other people won't feel lonely? i really wish i can be like these people. then i won't need to worry about so many things that are totally unnecessary. sigh. so much for being carefree and always optimistic.... i guess i'm just tired. really really tired of my life...
i'm going for jj lin's concert later. =D maybe he'll support the earth hour campaign and halfway through the concert the lights will suddenly be turned off. haha. lame... -.-
ps: i'm so jealous of shi min. she won a pair worth $128 each. my tickets are only $78 each. sigh...
-siLvia
; 2:10 PM
